Have an on-camera heart attack, stroke or death to garner the sympathy vote.

Offers to replace Palin with Michael Jackson: in a 70's sorta way, he's almost as cool as Obama.

It's Judgment Day for McCain
By THOMAS FRANK

* Article

more in Opinion »

Last week, Republican presidential candidate John McCain called for a commission to "find out what went wrong" on Wall Street. It was an excellent suggestion: Public inquiries into Wall Street practices served the country well in the 1930s.
[The Tilting Yard] AP

And Mr. McCain has a special advantage to bring to any such investigation -- many of the relevant witnesses are friends or colleagues of his. In fact, he can probably get to the bottom of the whole mess just by cross-examining the people riding on his campaign bus. So the candidate should take a deep breath, remind himself that the country comes first, pull the Straight Talk Express over at a rest stop, whistle up his media pals, and begin.

Topic A should be deregulation. Financial institutions are dropping everywhere after playing with poorly regulated financial instruments; the last investment banks standing are begging the government for stricter oversight; and some of our nation's leading champions of laissez faire have ditched that theory in an extraordinary attempt to rescue the collapsing industry.

The philosophy of government that has dominated Washington for almost three decades is now in ruins, and it is up to Mr. McCain to find out exactly why we believed it in the first place. Why did government stand back and permit all the misconduct that generated all this bad debt? What particular ideas led us to believe that government should just keep its hands off and let markets run their course?

Maybe the McCain Commission on Deregulation can kick off with a statement from the candidate himself. It will be helpful for the public, if painful for the senator himself, to hear about Mr. McCain's own close brush with one of the towering figures of financial deregulation, Charles Keating, the master of Lincoln Savings and Loan. Keating had a special, urgent interest in getting Big Brother off our backs: in 1986 some meddlesome agency suspected him of massive violations of S&L regulations. Keating fought back by recruiting a handful of legislators, including Mr. McCain, to pressure S&L regulators to leave his S&L alone. A few years later, Lincoln became one of the largest financial failures in U.S. history.

After that, Mr. McCain can get on to witness No. 1: Phil Gramm, a former adviser to the candidate on economic issues and for many years the heavyweight champion of financial deregulation. It was this very fellow who, as a senator, co-authored the Financial Services Modernization Act, largely trashing the old financial regulatory structure and allowed banks, insurance companies and investment houses to merge into what Mr. Gramm called "a supermarket for financial services" -- supermarkets whose lousy decisions are now the wonder of the world and whose losses we will be underwriting for years to come.

The public will be intrigued to hear that Mr. Gramm, who eventually became an executive at UBS, a bank known for its subprime profligacy, also regarded uncompensated environmental regulation as "nothing less than robbery." They will want to know if he would now apply the same term to the activities of the industry on whose behalf he has labored for so many years.

If Mr. Gramm's wife Wendy happens to be on the bus, Mr. McCain might want to sort out some of the controversies that have followed her own career as a deregulator. For several years Mrs. Gramm headed the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, where her tenure is best remembered by a decision to allow certain kinds of energy trades to go unregulated. A company called Enron turned out to be the greatest beneficiary of the decision -- there isn't space here to recall the statesmanlike things they did with their newfound freedom -- and they appointed Wendy Gramm to their board of directors just weeks after she stepped down from her government job.

Later Mrs. Gramm went to the Mercatus Center in suburban Virginia, a thundering fortress of deregulatory theory. And here we glimpse another promising avenue of any investigation of the laissez-faire faith: the market ideology industry in Washington. Any proper assessment of this industry would also include the Competitive Enterprise Institute, the Cato Institute, the Heritage Foundation, FreedomWorks, the American Enterprise Institute, and the minor stars in the libertarian firmament, including my favorite, Bureaucrash, where punk rock meets the gold standard.

There are others. Mr. McCain could call Kevin Hassett, one of his senior economic advisers, who declared back in March in the Bangkok Post that the blame for the current crisis could be laid at the feet of "out-of-control government regulation," mainly in the form of municipal smart-growth initiatives. (That's right: The man whispering in the candidate's ear seemed to once believe that not-in-my-backyard suburbanites caused the worst financial collapse since 1929.)

But maybe it would be best simply to agree that financial regulation really is in the country's interest. As Mr. McCain's hero Theodore Roosevelt said 98 years ago, "every man holds his property subject to the general right of the community to regulate its use to whatever degree the public welfare may require it."

Write to thomas@wsj.com

Please add your comments to the Opinion Journal forum.

McCain the show horse: Way off track

Remind people that he was a POW and accuse Obama of not being patriotic or putting politics ahead of his country.

Oh, wait. He's already done that.

Drops Palin as VP choice and opts for somebody with more stature.

Pulls off "McCain" full-face latex mask and reveals self to be lizard-like alien monster, "Gorgon". Proceeds to gobble up Obama and the debate moderator.

tries punching Obama in the nuts during the debate?

A few weeks ago, after the Palin nomination, Satirist Harry Shearer did a bit on his program "Le Show" where Joe Biden, desperate for attention, had a sex change:

http://play.rbn.com/foo.ram?url=livecon/kcrw/g2demand/ls/ls080831le_Show_-_August_31_.rm&Start=47:13

It was a pretty funny bit.

given the economic woes, dumping Palin and bringing in Mitt Romney as the "expert" who is needed now???? (while Romney would never go for such a stupid idea, I could imagine McCain asking) ... so, never mind ... The McCain campaign has really shot its wad, hasn't it ...

Not to complain, but don't you think copying and pasting an entire article is a bit low?

I like option 9, but only if Sarah Palin is part of the deal. The question then is whether $700 billion is enough, or will the Russians demand more?

Pretend to fall over dead at the debate, and have Sarah Palin speak in tongues and bring him back to life.

Recommends that, instead of hold an election, we simply keep Bush in office and figure out a way to add McCain to the existing administration as a Super-Vice-Partial-Presidential-Co-Executive...or something. It's the safest measure we could take in this time of immense trouble and important decisions--Country First, you know. And sometimes that means it's best if you just don't get a say in what happens and we do whatever we want.

I say 35% of Republicans would be ready to go along with it. Any takers? 35%?

He divorces his wife and marries Mike Huckabee. When there is an outrage, he divorces Mike Huckabee and denounces gay marriage. For the win!

He'll probably try to blame Obama for any problems with the bail out and then credit himself for anything good that happens.

Oooo, I got a good one: he'll try to give back the public financing on the grounds that the government just can't afford it and call on Obama to stop raising money and travel around the country doing town hall forums.

Announces Bush will suspend election under inherent commander-in-chief powers reserved to him by Article II on the Constitution because too risky to have uncertainty in "time of war," appoint self President-for-Life, with McCain has Dragoman and Maximum Proconsul. Sarah Palin to serve as Minister of Oil and Deputy Minister of Firearms to Minister Wayne LaPierre.

John McCain will shortly announce to the public that he is 'suspending Palin's Vice Presidential campaign' permanently.

And in a historically bipartisan effort (you know he's so America firsty), will offer the Vice Presidential spot to none other than Barack Obama; explaining that if Obama refuses, it is another example of Obama putting Obama first.

My prediction : Palin will step aside to "spend more time with the family" and Mitt Romney will take her place in a desperate bid to enhance McCain's economic credibility.

McCain knows he'll get at least 45% of the vote by just showing up on the ballot with an R next to his name. His goal is to fool enough independents to get over the hump.

Reveals himself secretly to be Andy Kaufman.

Drops Sarah Palin, selects Cindy McCain as VP - because she has more economic experience, especially regarding home mortgages. Sort of a back to the Clinton co-presidency strategy.

That selling Alaska idea? Now that's a winner! :)

Sell Cindy's high fashion outfits to raise money to send to his friends in Georgia.

Gets his teeth whitened....

Conspires with the Bush administration to trump up an imminent terrorist threat. Well, imminent in the sense that it will last for the next, oh, six weeks or so...

seriously, he's going to drop Palin. It's a given after this week.

My bet is on Guillani, not Romney.

Guillani is on the plane with him to the debate tonight according to Time.

5. Does bombing run over Taliban-controlled tribal areas of Pakistan.

He'll appear at the debate live with the Beach Boys to sing "bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran". He'll act surprised and say "isn't this the grammies?" It'll be a laugh riot.

What would you be thinking and feeling if you were Obama now--up against: 'INSANE McCain'?

Let's do a compiliation of key figures who have expressed genuine fear and concern with the prospect of McCain/Palin--a little picture and a one or two line quote--that's all it takes--and make it an ad on YouTube...

Enough folks on both the Democratic side and Republican side have expressed major concerns--It's not too late to capsulize some of the more poignant and potent comments in a few ads...

Acts as spotter while Palin snipes Osama bin Laden. There's a reason for all of those incursions into Pakistan's tribal areas.

Calls a press conference and announces he's going to hold his breath until he gets to be President.

how many hail-mary's can a quarterback try in a game before it becomes obvious that he is hopelessly incompetent? Patience for this MO will/or has run out. I would look for WAY more negative campaigning and the race card getting played in a big way. McCain knows that if Obama weren't black that the campaign would be over now, Obama wins. My guess is they will leverage on the latent racism in this country.

Strange how McCain is always in the driver's seat. He's setting the agenda of this election. Obama can only react.

The sad part is, when Obama reacts, most people say, "That's very astute, Senator." And then McCain has to switch positions to agree with Obama, which is somehow more newsworthy.

Seriously?

My guess is he'll start announcing who he'll pick for his cabinet and each new name will be more spectacularly unqualified than the one before.

mccain shows himself as the true maverick by dropping palin and naming himself as the vp candidate. he refuses to leave washington but offers to debate himself in front of the white house

1. Daring seaplane/snowmobile raid on a Russian fishing village, led by Sarah Palin.

2. Cindy McCain buys every American a new bicycle.

3. Meghan McCain photoshoot for Maxim.

4. McCain comes to last debate stripped to the waist, hauling a life-sized wooden cross on his shoulders.

5. Steve Schmidt decides to pursue long-repressed fascination with watercolor painting, Mike Murphy takes over.

6. Congress launches $800 billion rescue plan to save McCain's 'maverick' reputation.

7. Sarah Palin forced to read dictionary, Federalist papers, past ten years worth of New York Post cover articles.

8. McCain goes to Biden's hair-plug specialist, come out looking like 73-year old Fabio.

9. Barack Obama decides country is doomed, looks for another place to rule with better prospects, moves to Zimbabwe.

10. McCain masters internet usage, is lured by spam promising to "improve mental fitness" with newly discovered wonder drug (actually dried dog poo).

@ Stormskies I went and to look at the original- most humorous to read the comments. Not exactly a popular sentiment with the WSJ crowd. They are all going off blaming Raines (who of course is in the "Obama Camp") Clinton, Democrats and any one on the planet other than those who actually did the damage. Very gutsy guy- he has earned my respect.

McCain could ask for a "do-over" and hold another convention to pick another VP candidate.

Wear a Mighty Mouse outfit to the debate tonight complete with ears?

Announces that thanks to the unwavering support from John McCain, the US military has finally captured Osama bin Laden hiding in a cave in Afghanipakibaluchistan

OBL is being kept in a secure secret location and is being interrogated by alternative methods. No press or photographers are allowed.

This a great victory for freedom-living Americans.

UPDATE: The day after the election. It turns out it wasn't OBL after all but a cleverly disguised look-alike with a fake beard. These things happen, after all, and the US is now back on the trail again.

Yes - I'm pretty sure he will fly the plane while Palin shoots Osama like she does all the wolves.

Drops Palin as VP choice and opts for somebody with more stature. Claudia (2:14)

Yeah, like maybe Cher or Ru Paul.

While flying to MS, McCain's plane goes off course and we soon find he's deliberately crashed it off the coast near Biloxi.

"I said DRILL NOW and I meant it!

Or he could just wear an eye path to cover that bad eye. A parrot would also be a nice touch.

McCain could stand naked on a balcony, threatening police with a flourescent light until one of them tasers him.

Replaces Palin with a 19 year-old male prostitute.

McCain could make Palin President and himself VP. That would get people's attention.

Fire up NASA to ship him to Andromeda to save the Universe?

At this point his next move is clear:

McCain shows up at the debate with a Mohawk and a Che t-shirt.

McCain starts using email, provides Cindy's account information in response to a Nigerian email scam letter, goes for sympathy vote:
"My friends, I must reluctantly announce that Cindy and I have agreed to a divorce."

Steve Schmidt denounces press for "spreading rumors" that McCain is wooing Britney Spears.

Question: Doesn't it seem as if McCain wants to self destruct -- along the lines of Ross Perot.

Perhaps inwardly he knows he's not up to the task and, like some opera diva, he wants all the adultation and attention running for president but before he's actually elected he will escape the work and responsibility by self-inflicting some mortal wound to his campaign -- with some crazy rash decision.

Leaks sex tape of Paris Hilton with his head photoshopped over the head of one of her previous partners in a previously leaked sex tape.

He could remove himself from the ticket, without actually doing so, and then tell everyone he's back on the ticket the day of the election.

He's Brett Favre: he's been playing too long and all the pundits are convinced that all of America loves him, but if you watch him play you'll notice that his showboating leads him to throw a lot of interceptions.

Dumps Palin.

Sell Alaska for 700billion(includes all government officials) - solve two problems at once!

He'll announce he's leaving Cindy for Clay Aiken. They met through the make-up artist from American Idol.

Todd divorces Sarah after discovering she has been having an inappropriate physical relationship with Levi. After stepping down to attend to family matters, Sarah is replaced on the ticket by Flavor-Flav.

Wasn't there something in the news about candidates in Brazil changing their names to Barack Obama to improve their chances? McCain could try that...

Pretend to fall over dead at the debate, and have Sarah Palin speak in tongues and bring him back to life. Posted by: MissMudd

LOL. However, it seems that her replacement on the ticket took her seat on the plane. I don't think the campaign is letting her anywhere near Mississippi tonight. Like Cheney, I think she's in an undisclosed secure location.

Each week, McCain chooses a new VP to get that tactical boost in the polls. Right before the election, he chooses the VP that gave him the best polling numbers, claiming the people have spoken.

His first VP of the week: Joe Lieberman

Waterski over a shark....oh wait, he may have already done that.

Names Rachael Ray a new Veep candidate.

Names "Dog", the Bounty Hunter as potential Secretary of Defense.

Challenges Obama/Biden to a tag team wrestling match instead of a debate.

Bill Kristol and Rich Lowry call moves "bold" and "Perot-like".

Calls press conference from 'the Gates of Hell', announces that he has rounded up every bad guy in the world.

At the debate he'll explain why Obama is unfit to be president: He is unable to take a Black joke, and will proceed to tell the crudest joke known to be repeated by a politician, in public!

"Like Cheney, I think she's in an undisclosed secure location."

Sends Palin to the undisclosed secure location for a hunting excursion with Cheney.

Depending on location, he should sell 4 or 5 houses and buy a hotel.

Perhaps inwardly he knows he's not up to the task and, like some opera diva, he wants all the adultation and attention running for president but before he's actually elected he will escape the work and responsibility by self-inflicting some mortal wound to his campaign -- with some crazy rash decision. Posted by: Hotspur

We're all kind of giddy about the show he's putting on. But you've hit on something here that I think about a lot - who the hell wants to be president and be responsible for cleaning up the mess of the last eight years?

I don't think a president since Roosevelt has had to deal with the same combination of problems. Depending how things go between November and January, Obama's best strategy might be to attack the job like Roosevelt did - work like a fiend for the first 100 days, demanding the same of Congress. He could challenge the nation in his inauguration speech. I can't think otherwise how we're going to save the country. If we can't make this a national campaign and Obama allows Congress to be the small-minded partisan dickheads most of them are, I sincerely believe we are facing irreversible decline.

I know Bret Favre has done some wacky things lately but for gosh sake, he doesn't deserve to be campared to John McCain.

McCain invites David Letterman to go on a quail hunting expedition and then "accidentally" shoots him.

Amazingly, nobody's said it yet. But a fistfight on the Senate floor is pretty much guaranteed at this point. And he won't be embarrassed by it, he'll make an ad that highlights it. "John McCain, fighting for the American people." It will have the 'Rocky' theme song in the background, and it will end with McCain running up the Philadelphia Art Museum steps and giving the Nixon V-sign.

Very funny lampwick @ 2:28...

But nearly all ten of your suggestions would be more powerful if he had his teeth whitened first.

Surely my friends, we can agree to that...

Teaches Sarah that "the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain."

McCain takes a call and saves Wall Street from collapsing as he debates Obama. His staff wires in footage from the NYC ticker-tape parade after Japan surrendered claiming the 'current' parade is honoring John McCain's heroism in saving the country from financial ruin. The press buys it hook line and sinker.

Rudy is giving him some pointers on political phone calls in front of the cameras.

Calls press conference from 'the Gates of Hell', announces that he has rounded up every bad guy in the world. Posted by: Ohioan

Thanks! Now I'm cleaning partially masticated apple off the keyboard and screen.

McCain reveals he is really Elvis, who got tired of being a rock star and wanted to get into politics like his friend Nixon. The real John McCain is in a sanitarium somewhere, babbling about Ho Chi Minh.

Promises that, if elected, he'll enter VP Caribou Barbie in next year's Miss Buffalo Chip contest.

Suspend campaign to team up with Jeff Gannon and go after Osama Bin Laden.

My guess is, he replaces her with a wooden-headed doll:

http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c197/Peregrinor/misc/cm03b1.jpg

7. Sex-change operation.

Would fit with McCain's $5600 Make-Up Job.

Wear a Borat swimming suit during the debate and set his hair on fire at the end.

Drops Sarah Palin, selects Cindy McCain as VP - because she has more economic experience, especially regarding home mortgages.

Nonsense. She always pays cash.

And lampwick at 2:28 wins the year's supply of Rice-a-Roni!

Palin injured by repeated questioning, steps down.

McCain chooses new running mate, who was already the talk of the RNC convention after a favorable mention by Fred Thompson: exotic dancer Marie, the Flame of Florida.

-Calls for a recounts in NH,CO,FL,NM

Make a sex video of a three-way with Palin and Cindy. Put it on the internet where he will never see it.

Still laughing at this:

McCain comes to last debate stripped to the waist, hauling a life-sized wooden cross on his shoulders.

Lead a drug bust on Cindy and Rush.

After ripping off latex McCain mask and gobbling up Obama and the moderators, Gorgon, the alien, rips off latex full-body alien suit to reveal Sarah Palin.

Names Billy Martin to manage the 2009 Yankees.

Katie Couric sits down with the Veep Candidate and showcases her professionalism by not breaking down in laughter as Palin stumbles around the questions.

My guess:

As the maverick reformer he is, and being financially strapped (I suspect), he'll declare he's abiding by the public financing restrictions he signed up for in February (or thereabouts) and rail against the privately financed special interest whore Obama.

Creates a Papst Blue Ribbon panel, gets them all drunk on Budweiser, then holds a seance to discern who killed J.R.

He'll jettison Palin -- her favorability ratings are tanking, and they're more concerned with winning the news cycle than anything else, so what other real choice would they have?

Sadly, I'm not even joking. I really think he'll do it, probably within two weeks.

On the less-serious side, the only thing that would help is if he showed up, ripped his shirt off, and revealed he has the body of a 19-year old porn star while pimp-slapping Obama and personally bringing Reagan's decomposed corpse back from the dead. To top it off, he'll declare himself President for Life, abolish all taxes for anyone making more than $1 million while simultaneously setting interest rates to zero.

Or something ...

Creates a Papst Blue Ribbon panel, gets them all drunk on Budweiser, then holds a seance to discern who killed J.R. Posted by: Helpful Heloise

I'm sorry, but aren't those officially known, Frank, as "Fucking PBR" panels?

"Mommy!"

They are both going to get out of the backseat of a limo without their panties.

Yeah, funny for us, but what are voters thinking about now? Consider this: If the bailout is a political loser (as call-in etc. comment to Congress supposedly indicates), then all McCain has to do to win is: Be against the bailout and pick up the needed edge, even with blathering Palin (reminiscent of that poor Miss America contestant, rambling about Iraq and South Africa...) Anyone who wants to stop McBushlin has to think of how to deal with that.

Pays Tina Fey an obscene amount of money to stand in for Sarah Palin until mid November. 30 Rock undergoes an horrendous drop in quality, but no one can understand why.

McCain reviews his 80-plus flip-flops, and announces that this shows that he is such a maverick that he won't even agree with himself. Claims that he has now covered every side of every issue, so voting for Obama would be redundant.

Stung by charges from Obama that McCain is not physically up to being president and is too close to the Bush administration, he challenges Obama and Michelle and Bush and Laura to a tag team cage match against him and Cindy and Sarah. Announces that anyone who won't accept his challenge is a wimp and a traitor.

Sadly, I'm not even joking. I really think he'll do it, probably within two weeks. Posted by: Mark D

How else can you explain Guiliani accompanying him to Mississippi? "Campaign adviser"? Right. What brilliant, saving-things-in-the-eleventh-hour strategy would the fourth place finisher in the primaries have to offer?

Gets his teeth whitened....

I keep wondering about this too. WTF? I assume he can afford it.

"What brilliant, saving-things-in-the-eleventh-hour strategy would the fourth place finisher in the primaries have to offer?"

Maybe they want Giuliani on the ear mike to provide 9/11 related answers to all questions.

I hate to be a buzz-kill in this "hate-McCain lovefest" but McCain NEEDS to be taken more seriously. Maybe some of you should pick-up a copy of American Fascists by Chris Hedges to get a better idea of what Democrats are up against. Republicans have a very large built-in base (45% of US pop. identifies as evangelical) and a smaller but EXTREMELY powerful group within that population who think they are at war with the rest of this country because of it's "wayward" ways. I don't want to sound paranoid or alarmist, but unless people start waking-up to this reality, this fundie group can probably lock-up nearly 40% of votes. All it takes then is a little "razzle dazzle", voter fraud, etc. to win the whole damn thing for McCain!!
Dems must be ever vigilant.

Challenge Obama to a duel?

Wear a Borat swimming suit during the debate and set his hair on fire at the end.

God damn that was funny!

Drafts a bill to allow all illegal immigrants the opportunity to immigrate to Mexico.

Wear a Borat swimming suit during the debate and set his hair on fire at the end.

God damn that was funny!

Drafts a bill to allow all illegal immigrants the opportunity to immigrate to Mexico.

JeffII--
If he picks Guiliani, he's doomed even more than if he keeps Palin. People really, really don't like the guy -- he's mean, egotistical, and corrupt beyond all belief. Hell, I'd actually do a happy dance if he had Guiliani instead of Palin!

There are only two that make sense: Lieberman or Mittens.

The first for the whole "Across Party Lines" crap followers of High Broderism cream over, and the second for proven executive leadership (although his religion may be a hindrance to some).

Remember, though, that I'm as good at making predictions as the Kansas City Royals are at making the playoffs ... so YMMV.

:-)

Flies to South Ossetia, stands in front of the first chain link fence he can find, and thunders "Mr. Putin, tear down this wall."

Hold on. I thought he said he doesn't plaster on the makeup like a trollop.

Can't he tell the truth about anything?

1. Arranges for Governor Palin to accidentally shoot him in the face while hunting for moose.

2. Shows up for a Senate vote.

3. Learns French.

4. Divorces Cindy on grounds she's too elitist.

Hold on. I thought he said he doesn't plaster on the makeup like a trollop.

I resemble that comment!

Chooses the unusual method of announcing his new plan to lower gas prices by singing the plan to a reggaeton beat in a Daddy Yankee video remix of "Gasolina."

He'll fake a stroke at the final debate, allowing a local DC good guy and temp agency owner to take over for him, reversing all the damage done to his campaign, until he realizes that the temp agency owner (let's just call him "Dave" in case there's anybody who doesn't get the reference yet) has fallen in love with Cindy. Hilarity ensues. Starring Kevin Kline.

On a more serious note, let's just remember that thanks to the makeup of the country, he really probably doesn't need to do any of these things, just keep it close enough to steal come Nov 4th. Expect levels in Lake Erie and the Atlantic to rise slightly as all those Ohio and Florida Obama ballotts slowly sink.

Jeff II: How else can you explain Guiliani accompanying him to Mississippi?

Supposed to be a foreign policy debate, and who knows more about foreign policy than the Mayor of 9/11?

Anyhoo..."Any guesses on what stunt Senator Hothead might pull next?"

- McCain approves message in Bob Dole Viagra commercial.

- McCain plane lands in Oxford, Missouri and blames Obama and the media for switching the location for the debate at the last minute without telling him.

- McCain starts telling about the first Blackberry he created, which sent messages from cave to cave by hitting rocks together.

- McCain re-visits Vietnam, taking Fox News on a tour of all the camps where he was a prisoner. Sean Hannity volunteers to be the detainee for the 'how McCain was tortured' segment; breaks and confesses his fascination with transvestites within .003 seconds.

I dunno, BuzzKill Jim. I think tonight we'll see the beginning of the end (or was that last week?). McCain can not possibly be up to par after all this whirlwind, jet-set pandering. I mean christ at 53, even I need a nap regularly. How could he have rested since he's been sooooo busy rescuing the country? Is he snorting Viagra?

But shit, this was the most I've laughed since 1999. Why'd ya have to go inject reality?

Waaaa

Hmmmm, Rudolph Giuliani, the only person less qualified AND more obnoxious than Sarah Palin.

Brilliant.

Oh, and he has the same problem as the other guys McCain wanted for VP before the TheoCon Wing of the GOP nixed them: he's pro-choice.

Maybe I'm missing something, but I have a hard time seeing how inserting Giuliani after Palin pulls an Eagleton is going to make McCain look anything but whitheringly pathetic.

There are only two that make sense: Lieberman or Mittens.

The first for the whole "Across Party Lines" crap followers of High Broderism cream over, and the second for proven executive leadership (although his religion may be a hindrance to some).

"To some"? Ya think? You're wildly underestimating how important an anti-choice (there goes Lieberman), evangelical Christian (there go Mittens and Lieberman) candidate is to McCain's ticket. Jim at 4:00 has overestimated fundamentalist voters' numbers, but not the phenomenon: Even now, with the religious right's influence on the wane, McCain cannot begin to make a showing without its support. He's not going to win even with that backing--this time it ain't happening--but without it he doesn't get out of the gate.

He's stuck with Palin unless he can find another icon for the fundies and is willing to take the risk of her pulling an Eagleton at this late date. And while he's irrational and rash enough for the latter, I don't see any contenders for the former.

If I were a betting man - I'd say the next Hail Mary Pass comes tonight. Is no one else wondering why Rudy Giuliani and his wife are heading to Mississippi on John McCain's plane?

Fires Rick Davis and Schmidt and replaces them with Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin to appeal to disaffected Hillary voters and show he's tough on lobbyists. Of course their not really fired. During the next campaign conference call both Davis and Schmidt will loudly that McPOW is putting country first by firing lobbyist and trash Obama for not firing Biden because his son was a lobbyist.

When questioned about why they're on the call and not Malkin and Coulter they'll say their doing special breifing sessions with Sarah Palin and accuse questioner of being in the tank for Barrack Hussein Obama

Drops his pants and shows off his "capitalist tool"

Palin does the same.

Here are the ones I emailed to them earlier today:

McCain announces that he's selling off his entire investment portfolio; runs political ads of him stuffing his cash into a ratty old mattress while telling people that Obama made it necessary. It will eventually turn out that none of Cindy's investments were sold.

A series of one minute campaign ads of him tracking down and torturing a Bin Laden look alike in real time, ala Jack Bauer. It will turn out that he got carried away and actually killed the look alike, which will greatly increase his approval ratings with Republicans.

Nude debates! Because our nation is in too much of a crisis to debate with clothes on.

Three Words: Clowns, Clowns, Clowns!

"Nude debates!"

Spare me please. I'm not a fan of naked men, but Obama could probably, ummm, hold his own, so to speak. But McCain? The words 'shriveled', 'pasty', and 'limp' come to mind. I have a very vivid imagination, and I need to get this thought out of my mind. Immediately.

This is what I sent to Slate as McCain's next stunt:

Pauses in the middle of incoherent response to debate question and says, “If I weren’t healthy, could I do THIS?� Then sings AND dances “I Feel Pretty� from West Side Story. Most heartfelt passage:

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

This one wins.

9. Barack Obama decides country is doomed, looks for another place to rule with better prospects, moves to Zimbabwe.

Leaks pictures of McCain, Cindy, Hillary and Bill in a foursome.

But McCain? The words 'shriveled', 'pasty', and 'limp' come to mind.

Fostert - You obviously haven't heard that McCain was a POW. That means that, besides being a war hero of the first magnitude, he's hung like John Holmes' horse. And his flag ALWAYS flies at full-staff. Trust me, during a nude debate, Obama would be reduced to a blubbering pile of nothing by the time the first question was asked.

John McCain is a man's man. He might not have a damn clue what he's doing, but he'll boldly do it anyway.

Proposes NATO membership for South Vietnam.

... McCain calls a press conference where he states the following: "Dear friends, a few months ago, I had one of my quarterly biopsies done and the results have not been promising. In good conscience and as a true patriot who always puts country first,I hereby terminate my campaign for President of the United States. I have been talking to GOP leaders and we have unanimously decided that Mitt Romney will be the best candidate to become our next President of the United States. My heart is with you, and I want to thank all you brave people who believed in me. Thanks again...." (wipes a tear - and walks off the stage.

Plausible.

Lampwick takes the prize so far, but here’s my application for Hail Mary runner-up.

1. Solves one third of America’s homeless problem by suggesting to his drug-pushing spouse Cindy that she impose a 25 cent “Habitat for Sobriety� tax on every bottle of alcohol she henceforth sells.

2. Solves the rest of the homeless problem (and steals half the Democrats’ base) by overturning on 4th and 13th Amendment civil rights grounds the Democrats’ elitist ban on lower class Americans owning property (i.e. the $30,000 1,500 square foot mobile home lots that they currently must pay $500 a month in rent extortion for).

3. Achieves peace with honor in Iraq by expanding Viet War II to every state that fought on the side of the Union in the Civil War. (Cf. Adolf Bushler’s recent unConstitutional activation of the first military brigade on U.S. soil in 100 years to quell domestic unrest in the event that Diebold’s vote-counting software doesn’t malfunction as planned in November.)

4. Checks out Nixon’s old campaign playbook from the White House library (most of whose dirty tricks ceased to be crimes this summer after Obama and the Democrats okayed Bushler’s domestic surveillance program in the FISA bill).

5. Proves what a party maverick he is by stabbing himself in the heart with the veto pen he’s used to sign off on 90% of Bushler’s laws over the last seven and a half years.

6. Proposes legislation to ban Republican torture...of the truth. (The CIA is excepted, of course).

7. Promises to appoint ayatollahs of the caliber of Scalia and Thomas to the Supreme Court.

8. Points out to pissed off American SUV drivers paying $4.00 a gallon for gas that “Drill, baby, drill� applies not to America’s coastal waters but Iraq’s inland deserts which we’ve allocated $3 trillion in treasure to secure and Obama now wants to give back to the Iraqis.

9. Wins over the gay lobby by giving Adolf Bushler a sex change operation and running him/her as his veep candidate.

10. Suspends his campaign and goes back to Washington D.C. to remind the holy rollers on Wall Street of the old saying, “A Gramm of lust is worth a pound of woe,� and tell them to stop whining.