"Hey America... Go Fuck Yourself"

"Undisclosed"

"Buy This Book Or I'll Shoot This Puppy"

"Welcome to the Dark Side."

Why does America still trust Dicks?

The Bravery of Being out of Range: How I wasted your Childrens lifes to compensate for my small penis.
Probably need to get permision from Roger Waters to use, though.

$29.95? Where do you buy your books? Or do you only get books on CD? :)

From The Daily Show:

"You Don't Know Dick!"

Earth to Cheney---forget the book. Mein Kampf was already written, and you're a mere wanna-be shadow of the pig that wrote it the first time....

"They Don't Call Me Dick for Nothing: How I Made the American Public Bend Over, While I Drove It Home"

My Lies and Crimes

Dick Cheney's Helpful Household Hints. Including His Super Secret Tips for Household Security and 10 Easy Ways to Wash Blood From Your Hands

Marionettes For Dummies

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Power, and Like I Would Tell You, Sucker

"You Better Apologize After I Shoot Your Face: How America Really Works in the New Century"

"You Bought This Book and Don't Like It...? So!!"

Pants On Fire
The tragic case of a serial liar.

How to Make Enemies and Influence People to Do the Opposite of What You Want

"How I ruined America in 8 short years"

"Douchebags for Dummies"

Flyfishing in the flyash sludge, favorite techniques and patterns.

"Puppetry for Beginners"

"Making Sock Puppets for Fun and Profit"

"101 Things to Know About the Care, Feeding and Training of Your Poodle"

"Building a Decider in Your Spare Time"
Co-Authored by Karl Rove

Asshole

Necronomicon

Actually, my biggest question is: will the book contract be signed in blood?

The Advantages of Mechanically Assisted Breathing, with forward by James Earl Jones

Shredder Shopping - How to Pick the Proper Document Destruction Device

Where's Waldo, MD., a lift the flap book

Goodnight, Dick

Who's going to pony up $29.95 for a book written by someone who can't be trusted?

It appears that loyal Republican voters like being lied to.

bk almost got it. "Buy this Book, and/or I'll Shoot You in the Face."

"Innocent - How I argued against war crimes from outside the chain of command."

All the Dick You Want

Necronomicon -Jennifer

Riffing of your suggestion, and since the book of the dead already exists, I would slightly modify it:

The Neoconicon

Another Decade, Another Dick, with foreword by the tortured ghost of Richard M. Nixon.

Sorry Steve, it well sell by the bucketload. Even if it's full of mendacious boilerplate.

"How I started a war for fun and profit"
" The Iraqi Conflict, My dream years"

A Million Little Pieces or: How I Brought America to Its Knees In Just Eight Years

Fact is - it wasn't just oil.

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

The Neoconicon - doubtful

I guess this would be the book of the brain-dead. Appropriate.

Fire in the Naval Observatory: Esssentials of Document Retention Policy

Introduction to American Fascism

You Can't Handle The Truth

I Am Palpatine

My Struggle

Selling Your Soul for Fun & Profit

You write: "And third, after he leaves office, will Cheney's insights and perspective really be in demand? Every decision he's made for eight years has turned out to be wrong, if not completely disastrous."

Guess you haven't read the current Newsweek cover story. Do so now. You will learn that unless Obama adopts Cheney's outlook and policies, we will all die.

"How to Con America from a Puppet President"

"And third, after he leaves office, will Cheney's insights and perspective really be in demand? Every decision he's made for eight years has turned out to be wrong, if not completely disastrous."

See: Kristol, Bill.

"The Fourth Branch"

Cthulhu Rising

DICKED!

I can't believe no one has suggested "Fourth Branch"!

'I Can't Believe You Bought It'

or

'Things I Probably Said.'

American Fudge Packer

Darn, you got it after all.

Can't help with a title, but you can bet your last dollar he won't do a book signing tour.

Duck and Cover
Shooting America in the Face
Memoirs From An Undisclosed Location
How To Build Your Own Underground Bunker
The Autobiography of the 43rd President of The United States - Dick Cheney
Mr. Burns Tells All with Forward by Smithers Bush

America has a few scores to settle with this criminal, too.

Waterboarding Works and other Fairy Tales by

Richard Cheney

Whips and Cheneys: Diplomacy for real men

Compensating with bazookas:
putting the Dick back in Cheney

Undisclosed Vocation - VP stands for Vicious Puppeteer

But putting all of that aside, if Cheney's writing a book, he'll need a title. Any suggestions?

My Struggle.

Admittedly, this title is catchier in German.

Undisclosed Vocation - Richard Greenslade

Oooo, good one. Though I'm still a bit partial to Cthulhu Rising. Of course, the people who might buy such a book wouldn't know who the f*** Cthulhu is, but Undisclosed Vocation sounds really butch and that would definitely appeal to them.

"A Heartless Work of Staggering Dishonesty."

"The World's Most Powerful Man"

"Breaking Eggshells and Trying to Make Omelettes: A Retrospective"

"Memoir from the Dark Side"

"Whispering in the Boy-King's Ear"

"NeoCon Man"

"Changing the Tone"

and of course, as others have noted:

"Go F%*k Yourself"

Well, if we're gonna get all literary about it, Infinite Guest could be Cheney's insider account of the design of the illegal detention and torture regime.

The Vice Presidency: My Extraordinary Rendition

When he writes it, perhaps he'll answer the question that's had everyone perplexed since the 1980's.

Namely, how did he manage to survive being thrown down that shaft in the throne room and get off of the Death Star before it blew up?

I can always make jokes about politics and current events. Always. But I just can't do it right now.

I tried to watch the Bush farewell press conference and had to turn away in profound sadness and deep but low-volume anger. Maybe it's the horrendously cold weather, maybe the annual January blues, but I just want these people to shut the fuck up because I cannot stand to look at or hear from them anymore. Every appearance, every comment like Cheney's, every "reminiscence" of Bush's, every pretense that they are normal elected officials wrapping up a normal administration is a huge insult on top of the bottomless injury they've done all of us. I would love to see them brought to justice, mostly because without it we guarantee a replay times 20 of this stuff down the road. But that's for later. Right now I just want them to shut their yaps and get the hell out of my line of vision.

Er, thank you for letting me use y'all as my free therapy group.

Treated As: Top Secret/SCI

Jennifer suggests

Cthulhu Rising

For. The. Win.

That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die.

I'm still surprised that there is so little interest in Bushie books. I mean, everything Mr. Benen says in the post is true - they're failures, they're liars, etc - but I'd still think there would be an interest in hearing their side of the story.

Surely Cheney could get some interest from publishers by promising to tell the story of what he was up to on 9/11 (to be clear, I'm not talking truther conspiracy here - I mean whether he ordered planes to be shot down and such). If nothing else, I would think that would be juicy enough (yet he could tell as much or as little as he wanted) that it would get a book deal.

Namely, how did he manage to survive being thrown down that shaft in the throne room and get off of the Death Star before it blew up? -Glocksman

A wizard did it.

I bow to the punning mastery of Infinite Guest and Undisclosed Vocation.

Well done!

"Cheap Shots"
by Dead Eye Dick

"Other Priorities"

"Hey, America! Kiss My Shiny Metal Ass!"

"Burn Before Reading."

Okay, you guys are making me smile. Thank god you people are on your snark toes at all times.

A Staggering Work of Heartbreaking Malevolence

How about: "Dick Cheney Before He Dicks You"

I believe he has a published author in the family that could ghostwrite it, spicing it up in the process!

I'd like to throw in "One Heartbeat Away".

Definitely props for Undisclosed Vocation!

"How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the F-Bomb" by Big Dick Cheney

"The Unitary Vice President" or "How to Usurp Power While Nobody is Looking" by Darth Cheney

Also:

"You're In My Way"

"Hold Still While I Reload"

"The Empire Strikes Back"

"Steal This Sovereign Nation"

"Pride and Extreme Prejudice"

"Putting the Vice Back in Vice-President"

"Drowning America in the Bathtub"

"Who's going to pony up $29.95 for a book written by someone who can't be trusted?"

Don't worry, some right-wing sugar daddy will bankroll some right-wing think tank to juice the sales by buying up hundreds of thousands of copies and giving them away for free.

Just like they do with all the other right-wing "bestsellers".

"A Government of One"

"The Undiminished Vice President"

"I Did It My Way"

"Bite Me."

"My Pet Goat"

"I'm A Dick"

"Never Underestimate the Power of the Dark Side"

"So?"

"There Can Be Only One"

"I Think the Record Speaks For Itself"

"There Comes A Time When Deceit and Defiance Must Be Seen For What They Are"

(the last two are actual Cheney quotations to the press)

bk almost got it. "Buy this Book, and/or I'll Shoot You in the Face." - Erik

Very close to the cover article of the Texas Monthly January 2007 issue replete with buckshot.
"If you don't buy this magazine, Dick Cheney will shoot you in the face".

And everything shortstop said at 11:08 AM
Group Hug

Kevin, group hugs are great, but I'm heading for the bar. Sometimes alcohol is the only adequate therapy.

"Slumdog Millionaire"

"No country for ex vice presidents"

"Cheney Saw Massacre"

"Scum"

"The Vice President's Office Declined to Comment"

"Luke, I am Your Father"

Lemony Snicket might sue, but I think "A Series of Unfortunate Events" is the only appropriate title in my opinion.

"Alibi" or

"The Life of Dick Chaney, All Evidence to the Contrary.'

Kevin, group hugs are great, but I'm heading for the bar. Sometimes alcohol is the only adequate therapy.

It's 7:30 in the morning there, young lady! Or are you on the mainland now?

And thanks, Kevin! I'll quit my boo-hooin'.

Kevin, group hugs are great, but I'm heading for the bar. -Keori at 12:05 PM EST

It's always noon somewhere! :)

"Last Throes: America and the Bush Administration"

Mangler

American Pimp, how to get Americans to go out and git yo monay, even if it kills, disfigures, discredits or maims them.

I wonder if Dick Cheney has any lesbian fantasies? if so, he could co-write lesbian cowboy fiction with Lynn. Since anything he writes is bound to be fiction anyway, unless he goes with a theme of, "I'm an arrogant bald-faced liar who can't open his mouth without bullshit dripping down his chin, and I'm much more motivated by my hatred of everything liberal than by what is good for America" (unlikely), it'll be good practice. He'll just have to learn to substitute pussy for lying in his thoughts.

Dick Cheney and the Chamber of Secrets

I'm sure there will be no buyers among this group but Cheney will find a lot of people interested in his long career. The comical demonization of him by the left will last about half-way through Obama's term. Then people not blinded by hate will see that Obama is following the Bush lead in foreign affairs. I expect it will be much more readable than Bill or Hillary's efforts.

Big Time

"...demonization of him by the left..." "...following the Bush lead in foreign affairs". Those alone are funnier than anything else in here, and I'd like to think most of the comments reflect a pretty good sense of humour. Well done.

You're probably right that sales would be brisk, because a lot of people would make the mistake of thinking Cheney might actually reveal what's going on inside that immense balding melon with the surly face on the front. And I'm sure it WOULD be readable, as racy fiction often is. People who think it will help them understand the real Dick Cheney will be disappointed, though, because there IS no real Dick Cheney. Seriously, he might have had a long career, but how often was he right? If he were in hardware sales instead of politics, he'd have been unemployed since he was 27; not even a meteorologist can be wrong that many times and keep his job.

Leaving A Trail of Slime: The White House Years

A Series of Cataclysmic Events

The Joy of Torture

Chicken Soup for the Soulless

Tuesdays with Vader

2001: An undisclosed odyssey

To Kill a Constitutional Democracy

Confessions of F*ckWad

Surrounded by Lesbians: Mary, Lynn and George

Moby Dick

Chicken Soup for the Soulless -Gridlock

Win.

"I'm Evil Enough, I'm Wrong About Everything, and Gosh Darn It, People Hate Me!"

American Nero.

Mission: Unconstitutional.

Best practices: how to run a search committee.

Greet me as a liberator!

"So few Richards, so many Dicks"

"The World According to Darth"

"The Man Who Shot Liberty"

A variant on one of Keori's-

"I Think the Record Speaks For Itself, and If It Doesn't We'll Waterboard It."

Constitutional Destruction Made Easy

Democracy is Over Rated

Lying for Oil

Serving My Masters

The Politics of a Pumphead

The Power of Puppetry: The Cheney Years

"...it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine..." - REM

"Be vewy, vewy qwiet...
Advice from the 'Silent Sly One'."

The Good, the Bad, and the Cheney

More Lies

Lying My Way Back to Halliburton

And You Thought Spiro Agnew Was a Crook!

Honey, I Shrunk the Country

"The Autobiography of George W. Bush"

Cheney has been acting as puppetmaster/ventriloquist for the past eight years; why should he stop now?

Hoyt Pollard gets it right in the very first comment. My immediate thought for a title was "Go Fuck Yourself: The Dick Cheney Story," but I figured I couldn't be the first to come up with that. It's pretty much the most obvious one.

How about,"Malice in Blunderland"?

Happy Fun Smile Time

9/11 and Other High Moments

Love 'em all, but Cheney Saw Massacre made me LOL.

Autobiography of George W. Bush is almost too true to be funny. Almost, but not quite.

Then Malice in Bluderland -- wow.

My immediate thought was Devil in the Details.

Others: Make War Not Love and Parsing Torture.

It will just be a reprint of the Constitution printed in invisible ink that you have to piss on.

With some decorative jet fuel and a bucket you can burn it in.

The Wreck of the Narcissus

{Eight Years To Ruin The World]

shortstop and doubtful, where Darth Cheney is concerned, well, it's 1700 SOMEWHERE!!

Revenge of the Sith.

Oh wait...

And the winner is...

The American Dicktatorship

Tales From the Snarl in the Suit

Fear and Loathing in Washington D.C.: A Savage Dagger to the Heart of the American Dream

Dick the Prick: Rarely Right But Never in Doubt

Cheney: I F#cked You Over So You Wouldn't Have to Do It Yourself

Mission Accomplished(How To Make $$$$ for you and your friends) by Rich Cheney

Either:

How To Be The Biggest Dick In Town

or

It Takes A Big Dick To Screw The Village

No title suggestion, but I think you are wrong, wrong, wrong..... the book would be a blockbuster best seller. Both those that hate Cheney and those that love him will buy the book.

It Was Our Due

Character Deficits Don't Matter

But I really prefer to add a vote for American Nero. Perfect!

I have no idea, but maybe he should ask his wife.

"Yes, Virginia, There Is A Stalin Clause"

Brett Landgraf