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February 12, 2012 8:46 AM
A Contest, Sort Of!
Maybe it’s just that the coffee hasn’t quite kicked in yet, but I’m quite enamored with this lede from The Hill:
If Sarah Palin had been on the ballot for the straw poll at the Conservative Political Action Conference, there is little doubt she would have won.
So, an impromptu contest: Who can write the best sentence in this style? It has to be both true and pointless. Stick ‘em in the comments. Winner gets recognition in a future post.
I’ll start: “If unicorns existed and were great bowlers, surely the Professional Bowlers Association would be dominated by unicorns.”
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Severian on February 12, 2012 9:03 AM:
"If JFK had not been assassinated in 1963, surely Lyndon Johnson would not have won the 1964 presidential election."
Danp on February 12, 2012 9:04 AM:
If Republicans could fly, the wealth of our nation would soar.
MuddyLee on February 12, 2012 9:06 AM:
If conservatives would practice abstinence before marriage, use birth control after marriage, and go back to the tax rates in place at the end of the Reagan administration, America could be a great country again.
Al on February 12, 2012 9:07 AM:
If liberals cared about America they would be conservatives.
Celui on February 12, 2012 9:10 AM:
I was about to submit an entry, but then, having read that from MuddyLee, I can go no further.
c u n d gulag on February 12, 2012 9:17 AM:
If Adolph Eichmann* had been on the ballot for the straw poll at the Conservative Political Action Conference, and if it was women, Liberals, and brown people he exterminated, there is little doubt he would have won.
*Godwin forgive me.
theAmericanist on February 12, 2012 9:23 AM:
If Mitt Romney had Newt Gingrich's fidelity to principle, and Ron Paul had Rick Santorum's committment to morality, then Barack Obama would carry all 50 states.
rick on February 12, 2012 9:26 AM:
If pigs could fly, then Newt Gingrich wouldn't have to spend any campaign funds on airfare.
Menthol on February 12, 2012 9:26 AM:
If Mitt Romney looked and talked exactly like Sarah Palin, there is little doubt that Tina Fey could do a pitch-perfect imitation of him.
Geoff G on February 12, 2012 9:26 AM:
If Ronald Reagan had married Ayn Rand instead of Nancy Davis, Paul Ryan would have brown eyes.
kevo on February 12, 2012 9:33 AM:
If you decide to make your lunch instead of taking the bus, make sure you stay safe in the cross-walk! -Kevo
Daryl on February 12, 2012 9:33 AM:
If frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their asses when they hopped.
hells littlest angel on February 12, 2012 9:37 AM:
While no one likes Mitt Romney, and everyone hates Newt Gingrich, the race for the presidency is not a popularity contest.
stevio on February 12, 2012 9:39 AM:
If Obama had gone after torturers but used, instead,terminology such as,"compassionate fingernail realignment" or "liquid induced stress techniques", Big-Dick Cheney and George W. Bush would be resting comfortably in a home for the "desperately uncivilized" in the Hague.
Anonymous on February 12, 2012 9:40 AM:
@ Geoff G
LOL
golack on February 12, 2012 9:43 AM:
sounds like a hashtag to me: #ifunicornswerebowlers
(no I don't tweet)
Diane Rodriguez on February 12, 2012 9:52 AM:
If Todd and I had been younger when we married and if I were male, we would have President by now.
Gummo on February 12, 2012 9:57 AM:
If the Republican Party were a political organization instead of a nihilistic death cult, there is no doubt it would still be populated with con artists and rubes.
... I realize the idea of the Republican Party as anything other than a nihilistic death cult goes way beyond the bounds of plausibility, but you did ask.
MattF on February 12, 2012 9:59 AM:
If Rick Perry had been smarter and better prepared, he would have been a more successful candidate for the Republican nomination.
SteveT on February 12, 2012 9:59 AM:
If Paul Ryan was politically suicidal -- and could do arithmetic -- he could submit a balanced federal budget.
T2 on February 12, 2012 10:02 AM:
If Jeb Bush had not been born, Al Gore would have been a two term president, succeeded by a two term Obama presidency and we wouldnt have two unneeded wars, tax cuts for the rich, a deficit and a Recession.
Sadie on February 12, 2012 10:09 AM:
If Grover Norquist were a Muslim Extremist, his followers would face farther east than Wall Street when they prayed.
davidp on February 12, 2012 10:10 AM:
There's a Jewish version of this: If my grandmother had balls, she'd have been my grandfather.
Thia on February 12, 2012 10:11 AM:
If Catholic women wanted to truly show their solidarity with the opinion of the Catholic bishops this Sunday in churches all across America the collection plates should be overflowing with birth control pills instead of cash!
chopin on February 12, 2012 10:13 AM:
If Republicans speak for god, the theory of evolution is flawed.
c u n d gulag on February 12, 2012 10:16 AM:
Jesse,
How are you going to pick?
There are some GREAT ones here!
Mine's the lamest of the bunch, so let me try again:
If there had been a straw poll at the Conservative Political Action Conference, there is little doubt that Mars would never have introduced their brown M&M's.
Al on February 12, 2012 10:18 AM:
If the Bush tax cuts paid for themselves Republicans would surely be able to fly.
navarro on February 12, 2012 10:20 AM:
if al gore had gotten florida's electoral votes then obama might never have been able to win a senate seat when he did and would not have been able to run for president in 2008.
dalloway on February 12, 2012 10:21 AM:
If Sarah Palin had a brain, she wouldn't need the Wizard of Oz, who told her all she had to do to be president was click her heels together three times and wish for it.
AG on February 12, 2012 10:22 AM:
“If unicorns existed and were great bowlers, surely the Professional Bowlers Association would be dominated by Sarah Palin.”
admadm on February 12, 2012 10:23 AM:
If alter boys could get pregnant, contraception would be a sacrament.
admadm on February 12, 2012 10:24 AM:
D'OH! ALTAR BOYS, THAT IS.
truthbetold on February 12, 2012 10:32 AM:
If liberals could only communicate by sign language conservatives would only bother to learn to use one finger.
Richard Fox on February 12, 2012 10:37 AM:
If Barry Goldwater had selected Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain would have won.
mmm on February 12, 2012 10:39 AM:
If TV programmers really loved our country, there would be a lot more Democrats on the Sunday morning talk shows.
nemisten on February 12, 2012 10:50 AM:
If conservatives actually fought in the wars they advocate, the Pentagon budget would suddenly become as sacrosanct to them as welfare.
KarinJR on February 12, 2012 10:56 AM:
If there had ever been an openly gay, Republican President, Homophobia wouldn't be so acceptable on the Right.
Skip on February 12, 2012 11:00 AM:
"If liberals cared about America they would be conservatives."...great visual!
So it's voter registration day. If you are white, male, dressed in flannel or camo, and have a large caliber weapon shoved down your pants, you automatically get an R voter card and your wife will damn well get one too or sumbuddies gonna get hurt.
If your skin is some hue of less-than-white, you drive a Prius, sport a "I Hate America" tattoo or you like cats, you get an automatic D voter card and you are reported to Rush Limbaugh for national vilification.
NOW I see how this has been working...
gregor on February 12, 2012 11:15 AM:
If God was not a joker, Sara Palin would not exist.
jon on February 12, 2012 11:23 AM:
Had Tim Pawlenty been more organized, rich, and toughed it out rather than quit before the primary season got underway, he might be the other guy the other remaining conservative candidates are running against.
rick on February 12, 2012 11:28 AM:
If President Obama runs against a GOP ticket made up of two out of touch, racist, mysoginistic, homphobic, hypocrites,running against an American demographic they neither understand nor care about, then he will waltz into a second term singing "Landslde" in Al Green's voice.
OOPS. I knew it had to be a true statement but I forgot it had to be pointless. I hope this doesn't disqualify me Jesse.
Just Guessing on February 12, 2012 11:37 AM:
If Newt Gingrich had married Sarah Palin then surely Santorum would have a different meaning.
Texas Aggie on February 12, 2012 11:43 AM:
If liberals hated America, they would vote republican.
If I weren't allergic to nuts, I could vote republican.
If you're annoyed by immigrants, think how the Indians feel.
If George Romney had said that he'd been lied to instead of brainwashed, moderate republicans would not have gone extinct.
Jim Keating on February 12, 2012 11:45 AM:
If Obama had been born in a foreign country he would not
be president and we would not have to worry about the
results of the Affordable Care Act.
Jim Keating on February 12, 2012 11:56 AM:
If Democrats clung to their guns and religion conservatives would have to be unarmed atheists
and Sara Palin would be a hypervent1lating flee.
barkleyg on February 12, 2012 12:01 PM:
IF Republicans stopped HATING Obama, maybe they could learn to LOVE MY Country more!
Sorry, just love to say, channeling Golda: Until Republicans
learn to love our country more than they HATE Obama, we are doomed as a country.
IMHO the best from above:
MuddyLee on February 12, 2012 9:06 AM:
If conservatives would practice abstinence before marriage, use birth control after marriage, and go back to the tax rates in place at the end of the Reagan administration, America could be a great country again.
ANDDD, Congrats to Singal for the turnout this post produced! Welcome to the "game"!
nemisten on February 12, 2012 12:59 PM:
If Newt and Willard told the truth, loved non-whites, gays, the poor, heathens, and were smart, humble, and open-minded, Sarah Palin would be hard-working and speak something other than gibberish.
dweb on February 12, 2012 1:05 PM:
Actual wording from the side of the can:
The Chef Boyardee Chef recommends Chef Boyardee products!
Who woulda thunk?
Mark-NC on February 12, 2012 1:13 PM:
If Christians understood that Jesus advocated for the poor, then the Republican party's base would be half as big as it is now.
Strangely, they don't seem to get that basic tenet.
From above, I'd vote for @ rick or # Geoff G
barkleyg on February 12, 2012 1:43 PM:
On a second look,I have to agree with MARK-NC on this one. Takes a little longer for an ol fart like me to get it?
Love the DARWINISM, but, as real religious sickies know, only GOD can put a period to that sentence( get that Dog Whistle?), and there is no such thing as evolution, you LIBERAL IDIOTS, of which this ol fart is proudly one of!
Geoff G on February 12, 2012 9:26 AM:
If Ronald Reagan had married Ayn Rand instead of Nancy Davis, Paul Ryan would have brown eyes.
Terry O on February 12, 2012 3:27 PM:
If you made an anagram from Sarah Palin's name, you could get, Hi Anal Rasp.
Chresmologue on February 12, 2012 6:22 PM:
If I were to submit this sentence as an entry in this contest, there is little doubt that it wouldn't win.
(Oh, and if Capcha was not such a @#$%!! &?{&!!, I'd have been able to do so on the first try.)
Repack Rider on February 12, 2012 9:21 PM:
Sarah Palin anagrams?
Alpha Sprain
If John McCain had been elected to the presidency in 2008 and if he had finished turning to stone, Palin would have been impeached by now.
Billy Bob from TN on February 13, 2012 11:32 AM:
If Catholics practiced what their Bishops preached, there would be a lot more Catholics.