A PROFESSIONAL REWRITE OF KERRY'S JOKE: Earl Butz could have told John Kerry not to make jokes. John McCain could have told him, Arnold Schwarzenegger could have told him, lots of guys could have him: shut the hell up. Yeah, if you're FDR or JFK, toss off a bon mot. But if you're a big stiff, stick to the prepared remarks.

As a reminder, here--in syntax almost as painfully jumbled as President Bush's--is what Kerry said: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make the effort to be smart, you can do quite well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq.''

But here, in what will surely be a thankless effort to help the big oaf, is what he should have said: "You know, education, if you study history, if you look at the long, troubled history of Iraq, if you don't treat intelligence as a plaything that can be manipulated, if you respect the proven-effective Powell Doctrine and don't go into a country without overwhelming force, if you don't ignore the advice of your most respected military leaders and instead go in with half the troops they recommended, if you don't delegate all decisions to stiff-necked ideologues and actually seek out discordant views, if you don't appoint inexperienced synchophants who disband the Iraqi military, if you ignore the copious feedback that tells you your plan is just not working, if you refuse to act like a cheerleader and instead act like a world leader, you can do quite well. Otherwise you get stuck in Iraq.''

See, now it's hilarious.

One more thing: Did John Kerry insult the intelligence of our troops by his remark? Yeah, maybe. Has George Bush insulted their intelligence by telling them they're great patriots while leaving them in harm's way while he diddles with a plan? You tell me.