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January 05, 2012 9:00 AM Headlines We’d Like to See in 2012

By Jamie Malanowski

News we could use later this year:


STEVE’S LAST GIFT!

Jobs’ Final Invention Solves Nation’s Unemployment Crisis!

New iJobs Device Pays People to Sit and Twiddle Their Thumbs!


SLUGFEST!

Ex-Comedian Sinbad Latest to Grab Lead for Republican Nomination

Overtakes Garth, the Capital One Viking;

Romney Holds Steady at 25%


IT’S A MOCKERY!

Kim Kardashian Denounces Sinead O’Connor’s Short-Lived Marriage

“Nobody Tanks Faster Than Me,’’ Celebrity Narcissist Vows;

New Fiance To Be Introduced; Said to Be a Fruit Fly




EXPOSED!

Celebrity Phone Hackers Claim New Victim

Rupert Murdoch’s Cellphone Tapped;

Revealing Pix Show Mogul Dispensing Power in the Nude



INSOLVENCY SOLVED!


Greece Is Back in the Black!

Tourism Leaps After Nation Is Reinvented as a Theme Park

Devoted to John Travolta-Olivia Newton-John Musical;

“Shut Up About the Spelling!’’ Says Finance Minister


DESPOT DEFICIT!

Middle East Running Out of Dictators!

Around the Globe, Out-of-Work Strongmen, Warlords and Kommissars

Updating Resumes, Seek to Fill Openings





WHY TWEET WHEN YOU CAN TWEIN?


Former Congressman Heads New Instant Messaging System

“It’s Going to Be Big!’’ Says Weiner



EXTREME WEATHER FORCES VAST POWER OUTAGES!


Residents Forced to “Talk’’ To One Another;

“Conversations’’ Reported;

Senior Centers Raided for Instructors;

“One Starts, Then You Take Turns Speaking’’


CONGRESSIONAL LOGJAM SMASHED!

Stimulus Bill, Deficit Reduction Agreements Pass

“Funny’’ Brownies Distributed Before Session

Pelosi Teaches Boehner How to Tie-Dye

Eric Cantor Wears Flowers in His Hair


[Cross-posted at JamieMalanowski.com]

Jamie Malanowski is a writer and editor. He has been an editor at Time, Esquire and most recently Playboy, where he was Managing Editor.
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