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August 29, 2012 9:50 AM David Brooks Sentences Mitt Romney

By Mark Kleiman

A little-known provision of David Brooks’s contract with the New York Times allows him to take one day a year off from comforting the comfortable to write the sort of stuff Bobos in Paradise shows he is/was capable of.

Brooks seems to have decided that today was the day.

Thoreau once said:

Among human beings, the judge whose words seal the fate of a man furthest into eternity is not he who merely pronounces the verdict of the law, but he, whoever he may be, who, from a love of truth, and unprejudiced by any custom or enactment of men, utters a true opinion or sentence concerning him. He it is that sentences him.

By that standard, Brooks gave Romney a triple Life Without Parole:

Romney was a precocious and gifted child. He uttered his first words (“I like to fire people”) at age 14 months, made his first gaffe at 15 months and purchased his first nursery school at 24 months. The school, highly leveraged, went under, but Romney made 24 million Jujubes on the deal.
***
After streamlining his wife’s pregnancies down to six months each, Mitt helped Ann raise five perfect sons — Bip, Chip, Rip, Skip and Dip — who married identically tanned wives.
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If elected, he promises to bring all Americans together and make them feel inferior.

You needn’t read the whole thing, unless you happen to need a good, long, nasty laugh at the expense of a man who hasn’t been laughed at nearly enough in his overprivileged life.

[Cross-posted at The Reality-based Community]

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Mark Kleiman is a professor of public policy at the University of California Los Angeles.