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August 27, 2012 3:38 PM This Just In: God Warns GOP of “The Fire Next Time”

By Mark Kleiman

EXECUTIVE OFFICE OF THE MOST HIGH

DEPARTMENT OF MEDIA RELATIONS

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Breaking His long silence on partisan politics, God today linked the weather problems that have forced the cancellation of the first day of the Republican National Convention to divine displeasure with GOP positions and what He called the “abominable blasphemy” of linking His name to policies in direct violation of His word.

“I promised Noah I would never again flood the entire world,” said the Creator of Heaven and Earth. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t send a hurricane wherever that Limb of Satan called the Republican Party plans to meet. I did it four years ago, and hoped they’d get the message. But their hearts are harder than Pharaoh’s, so now I’m spelling it out for them. And if water doesn’t work, there’s always fire: ask the Men of Sodom what happens to those who oppress the stranger and the poor.”

Elohim pointed out that His position on maltreating immigrants and low-income people had been made explicit in both the Book of Deuteronomy and the Sermon on the Mount. “What part of ‘The stranger among you shall you not oppress’ would you like me to explain more slowly? Is it some sort of mystery that I insist that the poor be fed and clothed? Or that I insist that My worship take precedence over the idolatry of Mammon, the Money-God?” said The Man Upstairs.

“And as to persecuting those whom I, in My wisdom, have made to love those of their own sex,” said the Lord of Hosts, “let Me point you to the words of My servant David, who found that Jonathan’s love for him was sweet, surpassing the love of women.” Addressing the religious leaders, both Christian and Jewish, who have joined the Republican coalition, he added “If you clowns would stop thumping your damned Bibles for a minute, maybe you’d have a chance to read them instead.”

God will not be taking questions on His stance, referring all reporters to His published Word, the Holy Bible. He quoted a maxim somehow excluded from the Book of Proverbs: “As the tech support people say, read the f*cking manual.”

[Cross-posted at The Reality-based Community]

Mark Kleiman is a professor of public policy at the University of California Los Angeles.